BARB (DOWN TO THE) WIRE

Imran Anwar Toys With Cultural Conflicts © 1996-2004

News reports (quoted with a > symbol and in boldface) state that Iran is upset about the sale of Barbie Dolls in Iran. Imran Anwar plays with words, takes liberties with the English language and Iran's policies. He uses bad puns, general corny humor and everything else that can be turned into a star-bangled-chaddor about a BarbieDate.... err....BarbieGate story.

>TEHRAN: A new danger is sweeping Iran in the shape of Barbie dolls -- toys

A new kind of FUN-MENTAL-ism, da?

>beloved of little girls across the world, whose growing popularity here has

Maybe she can run for Election too! But would she have to contest as "Satanic Rep", "Other" or just "It" (symbolizing the place of women) remains to be seen.

>led to her being dubbed the "Satanic Doll" by Islamic hardliners.

She is lucky she got dubbed, real women get drubbed.

>Blonde or brunette Barbies in all shapes have invaded toy shop windows in

Gentlemen prefer Blondes... (well I am partial to them) but do fundamentalmen prefer brunettes? Or do they get their jollies on brownnuts (coffee that is ?)

>Tehran and other cities, sparking a wave of alarm. Sobh, a magazine run by Islamic

Sobh means Morning, I think. So, they don't respect Barbie in the morning!?

(I do take exception to the repeated use of the word ISLAMIC by the media when linked with fanatics, fundamentalists, or any half-crazed group of people, instead of specifying something like Iranian troublemakers, Algerian fanatics, Palestinian freedom fighters etc. Heck, why don't media stories write about "Catholic Terrorism" when the IRA kills a few Brits?

> hardliners, protested

Errr.... just what do they mean by "hardliner" here?!

> last week that "the unwholesome flexibility of

I guess Mary Lou Retton & Nadia Comaneci would not be welcomed with open arms (open bedroom doors though, maybe?) if they sought asylum in Iran. [Actually, if they did something like that, they would probably qualify for a real mental asylum!]

>these dolls, their destructive beauty

Jesus! I wonder if these friends of ours have seen Pamela Anderson's latest flick called, ironically, "Barb Wire." Talk about a destructive babe with flexibility implanted in every inch of her . I would not be surprised if she was offered Iranian citizenship (if she agreed to wear a chaddor on the street that is).

> and their semi-nudity have an effect

What they may be saying is, "Get rid of this "semi" stuff and ship totally nude dolls, will ya!?"

>on minds and morality of young children." These toys "are perfect

Yeah, likely. How many 4 year olds have we heard of caught masturbating with a Barbie!? "Hello Joey, are you happy to see my Barbie or is that just a Ken in your pocket?"

I think the problem is the effect Barbie is having on the minds (or perhaps other parts of the anatomy) of the adult leadership of XXX-XXX -men (meaning 60 year old religious demi-Gods).

> representations of the Satanic and perverse culture" of the West and their
>"omnipresence on Iranian markets is a marked sign of the growing invasion
> and influence of western culture."

Good thing that crime, drugs, domestic violence, theft, etc. do not exist in Utopia to worry about. Or maybe, Barbie brought them with her?

> Barbie dolls "attack children's minds without them being able to put up the
> slightest defence." It also warned parents about children's increasing
> indifference towards the hijab.

What is this world coming to? First Mad Cow Disease, now dolls that attack children's brains!

As a business consultant needing to make some extra cash for my toys (no, I do not buy Barbie dolls!) I can write to Mattel to produce the Burkah or Chaddorposh Barbie.... it will be made a national requirement for children in Iran. It will come pre-wrapped in a chaddor ['any color as long as it is black'] and will be exchanged with Iran at the rate of 1US Doll for every Barrel of Oil. Mattel will make money because the doll will be the least expensive to make. It will be made of hard plastic, that is not flexible, no hair will be needed as it is covered by the chaddor, no skin colored pigments required because no one could ever see the body of this modest doll, and even being anatomically correct is not required. Who, after all, knows what a woman's figure is like under a chaddor?

So, basically, 2 specks of paint for the eyes, a piece of fabric in black, and 2 small shoes are the only costs, and the upside is huge (NO puns intended!). In addition to Mattel's profiting the oil-based US deficit will go down, and we will all just learn to get along.

I will make some money as the consultant and Special Projects Advisor to Mattel, and I can also be declared the AyaTOYlah of Children's Morals in Iran, for having saved them from this Satanic attack, and maybe, just maybe, I can get Mattel to ship me a life size doll modeled after Barb Wire. Maybe that will make a dog house into a doll house!

Until then, folks, this is Imran Anwar, in New York, signing off a few more OOOOOs!

Don't worry if you did not get half the jokes in here, neither did Imran!

Imran Anwar welcomes comments and emailed opinions. Even more, he welcomes names of newspaper editors you know who he can contact for his regular (semi sensible) writings to be published in. Death threats must be made on Form D99 with 3 copies. Parcel bombs must be clearly marked, and postage paid, and sent only to the address specified for this purpose.

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